President Bush Urges Lebanon to "Grab Ankles"

by Harun as-Satair
هارون الستير
Washington, DC
Saturday 16 July 2006

In a significant policy shift, the U.S. is no longer asserting pressure on Syria to stop Hezbollah attacks on Israel. Instead, President Bush today formally requested that "Lebanon grab its ankles."

"Collective ankles," added Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

The request was issued through Kofi Annan, Scretary General of the United Nations, to Lebanese Prime Minster Fouad Siniora, who was conveniently already on the floor of a UN facility, begging.

The statement, delivered at a press conference today, signals a new U.S. approach. "We had been focussing on the wrong issues in the region," Rice said. "What is most important to achieve peace is that the Lebanese people bend over immediately.

Rice then turned to the Lebanese journalist present at the press conference. "As you know, the situation is rather complex, with militants attacking Israel and Israel attacking Beirut. But in all cases the appropriate response is your ten fingers around your two subtalar joints. Comprende?

The French protested the new U.S. policy, saying that it will only increase the severity of the conflict, thereby requiring that French diplomats work 36 hour weeks. "That alone could shake the stability of France," French foreign minister Philippe Douste-Blazy said.

The mounting tensions notwithstanding, President Bush was optimistic. "The people of the region don't just make good targets, they make good falafel. The Middle East is a good country."