Saturday, August 12, 2006

Iraq Terrorist Furious as Lebanon War Steals Headlines

by Harun as-Satir

17 July 2006


Marwan Abdullah is a father of three who works hard to put food on the table. He dresses modestly, speaks softly, and smiles most of the time. But Abdullah was devastated last Saturday when the successful triple-suicide car bombing he planned was completely overshadowed by the outbreak of war in Lebanon.

“I worked on that operation for weeks. Cars, men, money. So complicated. And we even killed 50 people. Not bad. But those bastards in Lebanon stole my headline. That should have been my work in 72 point font, not theirs.”

Abdullah was especially upset about who it was that stole his headline. “The Jews and the Shias… ahhh always the same. So many people to kill. But racism keeps me smiling. I love racism.”

Citing Booming Economy, Cyprus Considers Fomenting Additional Mideast Wars

by Harun as-Satir
19 July 2006

Larnaca, Cyprus

Though war has broken out in Lebanon, it is an economic boom time here in Cyprus, where desperate evacuees have driven prices for hotels, taxis, and Moussaka to record levels. And that has led many a Cypriot to ask: “instead of waiting for Mideast wars to happen, why don’t we just start them?”

“I’m not in favor of people dying or anything” said Yannis Smetanis, a Larnaca area taxi driver. “But war is good for us. Why should we have to just wait for it to happen?

Smetanis is not alone. He is one of a growing number of Cypriots who are tired of waiting for refugee dollars to flow to his country’s economy. A recent poll showed that fully 62% of Cyprus citizens support mideast wars, with 52% saying that Cyprus should actively participate in starting them.

The official stance of the Cyprus government is “to foment no wars in the Middle East.” However, a group of right-leaning legislators has begun a push to add the phrase “unless it leads to a peaceful boom time for Cyprus.

Iran Controversy

A swirling controversy started last year when it was revealed that the Bank of Cyprus had sent large amounts of money to Iran, just days before Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the holocaust, threatened to “wipe Israel off the map in a single storm,” and ramped up Nuclear weapons research. A government self-investigation revealed no wrongdoing. The inspector general’s report somewhat suspiciously noted that “perhaps Israel should respond to the remarks by moving some of its citizens to a safe location like Cyrpus.”

Government action aside, some Cypriots are taking matters into their own hands. Nikolos Papadimitriopoulos, a mechanic, was busy toiling in his garage. “I am trying to figure out how to get Kurdish flags onto these fifty Molotov cocktails for my next trip to Syria,” he said. “Does anyone know what a Kurdish flag looks like?

Papadimitriopoulos was quite optimistic. “Oh, to think what this could cause… I will replace my entire fleet of Mercedes within two years!”

The mechanic was inspired by a neighbor, Georgiou Vasilos, who took action during a recent vacation to Egypt. Vasilos planted evidence of an assassination attempt on Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak in the Muslim Brotherhood’s Cairo office. This led to, among other things, a significant spike in the value of the Cyprus pound.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

U.S. Evacuates 1000 Civilians, 90,000 Flies from Lebanon

by Harun as-Satair
هارون الستير
Tuesday 18 July 2006
Larnaca, Cyprus

Following the outbreak of war in Lebanon, the United States today facilitated the departure of some 1,000 civilians and 90,000 flies, the State Department reported today.

The 91,000 evacuees departed on a Norwegian cargo ship named “Hual.” Though the ship featured no passenger beds and only about 25 seats, it had plentiful open storage for vomit.

On the twelve hour journey, food was in short supply for humans, though the evacuated flies were better off; they had an estimated 6000 sources of food, counting the limbs, torso, and head of each human passenger aboard. The flies thus enjoyed cuisine of Norweigan, Lebanese, and American varieties.

Though the flies were delighted to be so well fed, the humans were less enthusiastic. “Arrgh, the flies! I’m being hunted like an animal!” screamed Ms. Enbici Notso. “And this ship is completely overcrowded!” Notso rolled her eyes as she stretched out on her 50 square feet of personal deck space.

Friday, July 21, 2006

“We Should Nuke the Whole Mideast and Start Over,” Says 100,000th Wisecracker

Harun as-Satair

هارون الستير

19 July 2006
Natchitoches, Louisiana

There was statewide celebration today as area wisecracker John Sarason became the 100,000th person to make the otherwise original observation that “we should nuke the whole mideast and start over.”

As with most of the other orators in the tally, Sarason gave no additional details in his analysis.

Sarason’s comments were made after his friend Ben Trumther provided a longwinded and subtle analysis of the Middle East that left Sarason bored. Sarason’s full comment was “I don’t get all this diplunatic talk about education. The only thing we need to teach these people is fusion; we should nuke the whole mideast and start over.”

The U.S. State Department was unenthusiastic in responding to Sarason’s call. “When it comes to the Middle East, I suppose that all options are on the table,” said John Bolton, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. “But I don’t see mushroom clouds around the corner like I did in college.

Asked for any possible timeline for implementing Sarason’s suggestion, Bolton was more specific. “Just because 100,000 people want us to nuke the place doesn’t mean that bombing will start tomorrow. Come talk to me again when you get 125,000.”

The unofficial tally of “nuke the mideast” comments began in the time of Charlemagne. The French ruler has been widely credited as the first person to propose removing the Near East from existence through nuclear hell. In his latest memoirs, he recorded: “we can only hope that someday man might unlock the innermost mysteries of the elements – not for human benefit, but rather so as to ignite all flesh from Morocco to Persia.”

Sarason’s achievement today showed that Charlemagne’s analysis was prescient indeed. “I did it for Charlemagne,” Sarason said. “Vive la France.”

Additional qualifying variations on “we should nuke the whole mideast and start over” included: “they have wackos, we have nukes, you do the math” and “The A-bomb can make us A-rid of A-rabs.” The last variation was allowed after a committee from the New York Times ruled that Persians were Arabs.

Another area man, Eric Notapaternus, was devastated to learn he was only the 99,999th person to make a “nuke the whole mideast” comment on Thursday. His full comment was “I’m generally against suicide bombings. But it would be OK if Iran got nuclear weapons - so that they nuke could the whole mideast, themselves included.”

with additional reporting by Sarita Smartez

Monday, July 17, 2006

Beirut Drinking Game Rules Updated for 2006

by Harun as-Satair
هارون الستير

Washington, DC

To more accurately reflect the situation in the Middle East, the Washington Area Students and Teachers for Educating Drinkers (WASTED) has released updated rules for the popular drinking game, Beirut.

In the conventional game, two teams take turns tossing single ping pong balls into cups, with the goal of making the other team get "drunk" first, as hip kids say these days. The new game, however, requires the participation of "Team A," "Team B," and a rude houseguest (visiting Team A).

1. The rude houseguest begins gameplay by spilling some beer from Team B's cups.
2. According to the new rules, Team B then "tosses the whole f------ Costco box of ping pong balls at team A's cups."

After that, gameplay is informal, with Team B and the houseguest exchanging attacks. Team A may not attack though team members are allowed to scream at referees, who, according to the rules, must be deaf.

Asked about the ramifications of the new rules, WASTED President Liam O'Curry was upbeat. "You're gonna get bombed!" he shouted between pints of ping-pong ball flavored Guinness.
"I'm more sauced than a Burrito in Bombay."

Sunday, July 16, 2006

President Bush Urges Lebanon to "Grab Ankles"

by Harun as-Satair
هارون الستير
Washington, DC
Saturday 16 July 2006

In a significant policy shift, the U.S. is no longer asserting pressure on Syria to stop Hezbollah attacks on Israel. Instead, President Bush today formally requested that "Lebanon grab its ankles."

"Collective ankles," added Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

The request was issued through Kofi Annan, Scretary General of the United Nations, to Lebanese Prime Minster Fouad Siniora, who was conveniently already on the floor of a UN facility, begging.

The statement, delivered at a press conference today, signals a new U.S. approach. "We had been focussing on the wrong issues in the region," Rice said. "What is most important to achieve peace is that the Lebanese people bend over immediately.

Rice then turned to the Lebanese journalist present at the press conference. "As you know, the situation is rather complex, with militants attacking Israel and Israel attacking Beirut. But in all cases the appropriate response is your ten fingers around your two subtalar joints. Comprende?

The French protested the new U.S. policy, saying that it will only increase the severity of the conflict, thereby requiring that French diplomats work 36 hour weeks. "That alone could shake the stability of France," French foreign minister Philippe Douste-Blazy said.

The mounting tensions notwithstanding, President Bush was optimistic. "The people of the region don't just make good targets, they make good falafel. The Middle East is a good country."

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Israel Quashes Threat from Lebanese Soccer Field

by Harun as-Satair
هارون الستير
Beirut, 15 July 2006

Israel took action today to remove the threat from the soccer field adjacent to the American University of Beirut in the Ras Beirut neighborhood.

The field had been repeatedly used for soccer games and other acts of fun.

In a bold daylight raid, an Israel F-16 launched a missle that landed about 10 meters from the center of the field, preventing such acts of aggression as kickoffs, penalty kicks, hands violations and even devastating throw-ins.

The raid has drawn international condemnation from both the UN and FIFA, who declared Israel "worse than an Italian club."

The missle brought with it leaflets that had unintended affects; they helped alleviate the toilet paper shortage brought about by Israel's blockade of Lebanese ports.

Israel, Lebanon, Hezbollah Negotiate Historic Cease-Peace Agreement

by Harun Al-Satair
هارون الستير

15 July 2006

A major diplomatic breakthrough was reached today as Israel, Lebanon, and Hezbollah agreed to "completely and utterly cease peace."

"We have been working on the agreement for some time," said Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. "Just when I thought all-out war was avoidable, we have managed to secure a long-term cease-peace agreement that will ensure weeks of hell."

To celebrate the agreement, Israel attacked fresh targets in Lebanon, Hezbollah shelled Israeli cities, and the Lebanese government engaged in heavy cursing.

Radical elements on both the Israeli and Hezbollah sides were pleased.

"War, war, war!" shouted Hezbollah militants and Israeli nutjobs together. "I'm more radical than the square root of two!" shouted one novice militant before an awkward silence.

Egyptian Mediation

The agreement was reached through Egyptian mediators, who set the tone by opening fire on the respective parties' convoys when they arrived in Cairo on Monday.

"What did they want us to do, book them a hotel and a conference room?" Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak shouted. This is a cease-peace conference, not some panzy-butt arts festival. To make his point Mubarak then punched the Lebanese foreign minister in the face.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Israeli Rockets Sustain Heavy Damage, Israel's Foreign Ministry Says

Israeli Rockets Sustain Heavy Damage, Israel's Foreign Ministry Says

by Harun As-Satair
هارون الستير

Tel-Aviv 13 July 2006

Hundreds of Israeli rockets were severely damaged when Lebanese soil came into contact with them, the Israeli foreign ministry announced yesterday.

"The Lebanese government has no right to damage our rockets using their soil," said Danny Ayalon, the Israeli ambassador to the U.S. "Most of these rockets are now totally unusable, and the vast majority of them were completely destroyed.

Early reports indicate that the rockets exploded when they came into contact with locations in Lebanon.

"This represents a serious escalation, and we hold the Lebanese government directly responsible for the damage our rockets suffered when they hit such targets as the Beirut airport," he continued. "It is beyond all doubt that the Lebanese government controls the airport, so when the runways contacted our rockets we immediately knew who was responsible."

Responding to the observation that the rockets were previously in Israeli F-16 fighter-bombers, Ayalon showed even more concern. "True, the rockets were in our aircraft before the unprovoked attack on them by the Lebanese infrastructure. We can only thank the Almighty that the Lebanese soil did not attack our rockets while they were still in the aircraft.

The U.N. security council is expected to address the matter Friday. The U.S. has called for an interim cease fire between the Israeli air force and Lebanese bridges. The security council is expected to debate the resolution for four months before tabling it.