“We Should Nuke the Whole Mideast and Start Over,” Says 100,000th Wisecracker
19 July 2006
There was statewide celebration today as area wisecracker John Sarason became the 100,000th person to make the otherwise original observation that “we should nuke the whole mideast and start over.”
As with most of the other orators in the tally, Sarason gave no additional details in his analysis.
Sarason’s comments were made after his friend Ben Trumther provided a longwinded and subtle analysis of the Middle East that left Sarason bored. Sarason’s full comment was “I don’t get all this diplunatic talk about education. The only thing we need to teach these people is fusion; we should nuke the whole mideast and start over.”
The U.S. State Department was unenthusiastic in responding to Sarason’s call. “When it comes to the Middle East, I suppose that all options are on the table,” said John Bolton, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. “But I don’t see mushroom clouds around the corner like I did in college.
Asked for any possible timeline for implementing Sarason’s suggestion, Bolton was more specific. “Just because 100,000 people want us to nuke the place doesn’t mean that bombing will start tomorrow. Come talk to me again when you get 125,000.”
The unofficial tally of “nuke the mideast” comments began in the time of Charlemagne. The French ruler has been widely credited as the first person to propose removing the Near East from existence through nuclear hell. In his latest memoirs, he recorded: “we can only hope that someday man might unlock the innermost mysteries of the elements – not for human benefit, but rather so as to ignite all flesh from Morocco to Persia.”
Sarason’s achievement today showed that Charlemagne’s analysis was prescient indeed. “I did it for Charlemagne,” Sarason said. “Vive la France.”
Additional qualifying variations on “we should nuke the whole mideast and start over” included: “they have wackos, we have nukes, you do the math” and “The A-bomb can make us A-rid of A-rabs.” The last variation was allowed after a committee from the New York Times ruled that Persians were Arabs.
Another area man, Eric Notapaternus, was devastated to learn he was only the 99,999th person to make a “nuke the whole mideast” comment on Thursday. His full comment was “I’m generally against suicide bombings. But it would be OK if Iran got nuclear weapons - so that they nuke could the whole mideast, themselves included.”
with additional reporting by Sarita Smartez